


The Walls Keep Tumbling Down (But I'll Stand Brave)

by starrywrite



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging & YouTube RPF
Genre: Deleted Scenes, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of past abuse, Panic Attacks, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-26
Updated: 2014-09-26
Packaged: 2018-02-18 19:40:47
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,413
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2359901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“What are some of the negative effects of what happened to you?”<br/>“Nightmares mostly,” Phil says. “I’ve had a few panic attacks as well, but not often only when I get scared - like the night our neighbors were fighting and I could hear them screaming at each other from our apartment, and like Dan said, I really don’t like all that noise, so that made me have a panic attack.”</p><p>deleted scene from my fic 'Love Is Just An Empty Word You Say'</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Walls Keep Tumbling Down (But I'll Stand Brave)

**Author's Note:**

> sooo… who remembers a fic i wrote called Love Is Just An Empty Word You Say because :^) hello again. lol okay so basically there was a scene that was meant to go in chapter 3 but i ended up having to cut it out bc reasons which made me v sad bc i liked that scene a lot and i was thinking about it a lot recently and i decided to just go ahead and write it on its own!! 
> 
> contains spoilers for LIJAEWYS - pls read that before you read this just so everything makes sense and theres minimal confusion :D this takes place during chapter three, specificaly before all of the Vidcon stuff and after the weekend at Zoe's. special thanks to my baeta alex<3 and please remember that all events taking place in this are fictional.
> 
> so here is a deleted (lol literally) scene from LIJAEWYS!! i hope u enjoy :D

  
_“So when you finally move on, where do these things go?_   
_Where are those memories abandoned?”_   


\- Michelle K.

* * *

It’s been a few weeks since their visit with Zoe, and things in the Dan and Phil household have been significantly less eventful - and they’re both very thankful for that, Phil especially. He hasn’t been waking Dan up in the middle of the night with his screams of terror as nightmares plague him in his sleep and he’s started to think that maybe he’s fine now - maybe things are going to go back to normal now.

One can only wish, however. Because it just doesn’t work out that way.

The weekend at Zoe’s left him feeling happy and content, but just as he feared, it was only temporary. Lately he’s been feeling as if he’s walking on a tightrope and at any moment he’s just going to topple off to the side and fall, and he’s been trying so hard just to stay balanced. Those familiar feelings of anxiety have been creeping up on him more and more recently, and he finds himself looking over his shoulder more often than he should, peeking behind corners before he enters a room. It’s as if Leo is lurking behind him, waiting for him to let his guard down for just one second. 

He’s afraid again, and he hates it, he fucking hates it. He doesn’t want to be afraid anymore. Everyone’s been praising him for being so strong and so brave, but he feels anything but. He feels like he’s fooled everyone, like he put on an “I’m emotionally and mentally stable despite the fact that my boyfriend abused me” mask, and now it’s finally coming off. He doesn’t feel strong or brave or stable - he feels like a victim. He feels like despite the fact that he’s serving jail time for what he did, Leo won. Leo defeated him and Phil’s been reduced to a ghost of his former self. He’s been reduced to nothing but a victim. 

Phil doesn’t want to be a victim. He wants to be a survivor. 

He wants to believe people when they tell him how brave he is, he wants to actually _feel_ brave. He wants to be able to say that Leo may have hit him, but he didn’t _beat_ him. He wants to say that Leo is now a thing of the past and he’s been able to move on from their relationship. Hell, he just wants to be okay. Because lately, he hasn’t felt okay and no matter how hard he tries to ignore it, no matter how hard he tries to convince himself that these feelings of anxiety and fear are just going to go away, he can feel himself reaching his breaking point. 

_‘Not today,’_ he tells himself one afternoon because he’s decided that today is going to be a good day. The boys’ flat is quiet, the lounge no exception as Phil occupies it, his Macbook resting comfortably on the tops of his thighs as he browses aimlessly through Tumblr. He likes another fanart of himself when he hears Dan call out, “Have you seen my jacket?” 

“Have you checked the pile of stuff on your floor by your piano?” Phil asks in reply. “You know, where everything else in your room is.” 

“It’s not _that_ bad!” Dan insists. “I’m gonna clean it this weekend!”

“You said that last month!” Phil points out, and Dan just makes some noncommittal noise in response, which makes Phil chuckle a bit. He glances up to see Dan walking into the room moments later, shrugging his jacket on and Phil notices that he’s no longer pajama clad, like himself, but properly dressed. His hair straightened, earrings are in, and his jeans have been attempted to be pulled up to cover his ass and Phil asks him, “Where are you going?”

“BBC,” the brunette replies, then takes a moment to plop down on the couch next to Phil, pausing a moment to reach under the coffee table for his shoes and then he says, “They want to discuss me having a co-host for the next show or two, you know, until you’re back on your feet again.”

Phil frowns. “My feet are just fine,” he insists, because if anything, he hates being treated like an invalid. Yes, something shitty happened to him and he may not be one hundred percent back to his old self, but he can definitely host a radio show with Dan - not to mention his arm has healed by now and it doesn’t even hurt that badly anymore, so he knows he’d be able to participate in a Dan vs. Phil. 

Dan offers a sympathetic smile. “You know I know that, Phil,” he says. “But the people at the BBC think you should take some time to yourself and just take it easy.” Phil just grumbles something incoherent in response; no point in arguing but he definitely doesn’t agree with this. He just wants everything to go back to normal; he _needs_ to start getting his life back together - and the sooner the better. “It’s only for a week or two,” Dan reminds him. “And honestly, as much as I want you back at work, and as much as I want everything back to normal, you need to just rest, okay? You've still been a bit tense lately and with everything that’s happened, a few days off of work won’t kill you.” 

Phil just sighs. “Fine.” is all he says, and Dan gingerly wraps his arm around his shoulders and gives him a bit of a lopsided hug. 

“I’m sorry,” he tells him. “You can still help plan the show and stuff if you want, but like I said, it’s only for a week or two - then you’ll be back in the studio with me where you belong.” 

Phil can’t help but to smile a bit. “Okay. Okay, yeah, you’re probably right,” he says, and he tries to convince himself that this is a good thing and that he needs to take more care of his mental and physical health; he _has_ been a bit stressed and tense lately, like Dan had said, and he thought he was doing a good job of hiding it - but clearly not. But with coming home from the hospital and making his video and all of the feedback he’s been getting, and still getting, and Leo - everything’s just been a bit much for him lately. Maybe he does need a few days to himself. And he doesn’t want to make Dan feel about about this either, it’s not his fault he has to take a few days off of work and he knows that Dan probably pitched for him to come back to work immediately. So he forces a smile and he just decides to go with it; after all, the less Dan has to worry about him, the better. “How long do you think you’ll be?” he asks, changing the subject. 

Dan shrugs. “An hour or two, if I had to guess.” he replies. “I’ll call you if I’m going to be really late, but I shouldn’t be too long.”

“Alright,” Phil says, and before they can mince words any longer, Dan checks his phone, realizes that he’s going to be late if he doesn’t leave right now, and he quickly heads out. The door echoes as it shuts behind him and Phil is officially home alone. 

He sighs to himself a little; he isn’t used to being home alone. Ever since everything that happened with Leo, Dan hasn’t let him out of his sight for five minutes - not that he’s complaining, he likes Dan’s company, but he thinks even more than that, he likes not being alone. But he knows he’s going to have to get used to being alone at some point, and when better to work on that than tonight? Not that he has a choice. 

He heads to his room briefly to claim his laptop and headphones, deciding to take refuge in the lounge until Dan comes home. And once again, he makes himself comfortable on the couch, pulling up YouTube and putting his headphones in, deciding to spend the next hour or two falling into a YouTube black hole filled with cute animal videos - and maybe a video or two of Dan’s. 

About a half hour passes - rather slowly at that - as Phil immerses himself in the YouTube world, going through video after video. As another adorable “puppies learning to howl” video comes to an end, Phil’s ears perk up at… well, he isn’t sure what exactly; he just knows he hears something. 

He plucks an earbud out of his ear for a moment because he _swears_ he heard something, and he isn’t sure if it’s the usual home alone paranoia or not, but he pauses the YouTube video he was watching and strains his ears to hear more. Not even second later does the sound of muffled screaming reach his ears and the hairs on his arms stand on end. He tenses up, assuming that it’s his and Dan’s neighbors having a go at each other, and he hopes that they’ll stop shouting at each other soon - especially when words like “stupid” and “you never listen!” sound louder than others and makes him feel sick to his stomach. 

He has Leo to blame for this; ever since the break up he’s been a bit more sensitive than usual to loud sounds, not limited to people screaming and yelling, but anything loud in general sets him on edge. It’s something he’s been trying to cope with and he’s been hoping that with time it’s just something that’ll go away, but apparently tonight is not the night that his anxieties won’t leave him in a cold sweat as he sits rigid on his couch. 

He exhales slowly, reminding himself to just stay calm and that he has nothing to freak out about because he’s safe in his flat and no one - especially not Leo - can hurt him, and he simply plops his headphones back in his ears and turns to Dan’s Spotify account for comfort (because Dan has a premium account and since Phil can’t be arsed to pay for that, Dan lets him use his password). He turns the music up, not really paying much mind to what he’s listening to, because he really just wants some background noise so he doesn’t have to hear the fight going on next door, and he rolls his shoulders back, trying to ease away some of the tension he feels. _‘Just relax.’_ he tells himself. _‘You have nothing to worry about so just relax.’_

Unfortunately background noise can only distract him for so long because every song comes to an end eventually and the next one can’t play fast enough, leaving Phil still hearing bits and pieces of his neighbors’ fight, the pair of them still yelling at each other and the sound seems to be filtering through the walls because Phil _swears_ they sound louder than they did a few moments ago. 

He doesn’t realize that his hands have started to shake until he moves his mouse to try and play a new song or a new YouTube video - anything will do at this point to just get him focused on something else and hearing something else other than their fight. Briefly he wonders how two people can even fight so much but then he remembers Leo and his blood runs cold; just the thought of Leo is making his heart race and the fact that he can hear his neighbors screaming at each other, which is just making him remember the times Leo used to scream at him, isn’t helping. 

Almost instantly he reaches for his phone, intending to call Dan, but he stops himself because Dan’s busy and he doesn’t want to bother him or worry him. And if he’s going to work towards being functional again, he needs to learn to start coping on his own. 

He exhales slowly, although his chest still feels tight, and he turns the volume all the way up on his Mac, hoping that the distraction will suffice. But in the back of his mind he knows they’re still fighting and even though his music is as loud as can be, he can still hear the screaming. He closes his eyes and inhales deeply, hoping to exhale away the bad feelings, but his breath gets caught in his throat when one of his earbuds slides out of his ear and he can hear a faint “you never listen!” and even though the voice is shrill and feminine, to Phil’s ears it sounds gruff and booming and the louder it gets the more clearly he can hear a thick French accent, the same one that haunts his nightmares. 

He tries to tell himself that it’s not Leo, that it’s all in his head, but he can barely hear his thoughts over _“I don’t want to talk anymore, Phil! You never listen!” _and his heart starts to race because Leo’s voice is all he can hear, it’s plaguing his mind and filling his ears. And then Leo screams at him _“You don’t fucking listen!”_ and Phil can feel tears brimming in his eyes. He doesn’t even bother to put his headphones back in his ears even though Muse is playing; Phil is none the wiser - not that it matters because he can’t be saved by the soothing sounds of Matt Bellamy's voice while the terrifying voice of his ex boyfriend is haunting him.__

Then he hears the distant sound of glass breaking from his neighbor’s flat, but though the sound is smothered by the plaster of walls between them, Phil can hear it as if it’s happening right here in the lounge. As he hears it shattering, Phil can feel the shards of glass from the vase piercing his skin once again and his arm fucking _burns_ with pain and blood flows freely down his forearms and his face stings as the shards cut his cheek. And Leo is standing before him, staring down at him with those dark soulless eyes, and the air leaves his lungs, and not a moment later is he brought back to reality as his Mac comes crashing down to the floor when he jumps up from the couch and runs out of the lounge. 

He runs to his room because he doesn’t feel safe; he doesn’t feel safe in his own flat and he doesn’t feel safe in his own mind, and he wants to escape the pain and the fear and Leo, but he can’t. He’s trapped. 

He doesn’t realize he’s crying until he tastes the salty tears rolling down his cheeks, his mouth agape as he gasps for air, all but hyperventilating as he presses his back against the wall and sinks down to the floor. His knees press against his chest and he buries his face against his jeans, and sobs wrack at his chest as he chokes and sputters for more air because he doesn’t feel like he’s getting enough, and he’s lightheaded and scared and _fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck_. 

He needs Dan. In the labyrinth that is his mind, Leo awaits behind every twist and turn. But he knows that Dan is there somewhere, and he just needs to get to him before he hits another dead end. 

He’s hardly religious but he thanks God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, and every other holy being that he can think of when he finds his iPhone in his pocket, and with shaking hands, he calls Dan. Phil hears a faint click on the third ring and Dan says, _“Hey, Phil, what’s up?”_ but Phil’s choking on air and crying too hard to answer, and fuck, why is this happening? He can feel the fear engulfing his chest and it’s slowly injecting itself throughout the rest of his body like a poison and he’s so scared, and he just wants Dan but he can’t even get the words out to tell him that. _“Phil? Phil, what is it? What’s wrong?”_ he suspects that Dan’s caught on to the fact that he’s all but hyperventilating right now, as he gasps for air and struggles to breathe evenly. 

“C - can you come h - home, pl - please?” he finally manages to choke out, but another harsh sob rips at his throat and he wishes he could stop crying for five minutes because that’s not doing anything to help the fact that he can’t breathe right now. 

_“Yeah, of course,”_ Dan says immediately. _“What’s wrong, Phil? Are you okay?”_

“J - just come home, please,” Phil pleads with him, his free hand coming up to wipe at his tears stained cheeks, then press against the front of his shirt. His chest feels tight, like he’s not getting enough air into his lungs despite the fact that he keeps inhaling deeply, swallowing mouthfuls of air but choking on it as he struggles to exhale. 

_“Just hang on, okay? I’m on my way,”_ Dan tells him. _“Stay on the line with me, yeah? Just keep talking to me; you’re gonna be okay, Phil.”_

Phil just whimpers in response and nods, despite the fact that Dan can’t see him, and he exhales sharply through his nose. He feels dizzy, despite the fact that he’s sitting down, and he presses his forehead against the wall. “Dan,” is all he can mumble because he doesn’t know what else to say. He’s scared and overwhelmed, and all he wants is Dan to come home and hold him and make him feel safe again because right now, he doesn’t feel safe. And realistically, he _is_ safe; there’s no one in their flat but him and it’s not as if he’s currently hiding from someone - but he’s hiding from his mind. Because he can’t stop thinking of Leo and all he can hear is Leo screaming at him, and when Leo screams at him that means he’s going to get hurt, and he can’t rationalize that it’s all in his head right now because he’s too fucking terrified. 

_“It’s okay Phil,”_ Dan says. _“It’s okay, you’re okay. I’m going to be home as soon as I can.”_

“Oh - okay,” Phil gasps a little because although it’s reassuring that Dan’s on his way, there’s still a thick smoke that’s filling his chest from the inside, filling the space so there isn’t a patch of air that can break free. 

_“Breathe like me, okay?”_ Dan tells him, and then he breathes deeply and slowly, inhaling and exhaling with ease, and Phil envies him but he tries to mimic Dan’s breathing anyway. It isn’t easy at first, but Dan gives him a reassuring word with each failed breath and after a while the smoke finally leaves his lungs, and he can breathe again. He breathes in and out through his nose with ease and though his chest aches terribly, he’s breathing again and with a heavy sigh, he slumps against the wall, exhausted. The panicky feeling hasn’t quite left yet, but he feels significantly better than he did a few minutes ago. Not okay yet, but better. 

_“You okay?”_ Dan asks him, his voice soft and gentle. 

“Yeah,” Phil sighs, and he brings his free hand up to wipe at his tearstained face. 

_“Stay on the line with me,”_ Dan tells him. _“I’ll be home in a few minutes, but don’t hang up yet; talk to me.”_

Phil swallows; his throat feels dry. “What’d you do want to talk about?” he asks. 

_“Anything you want,”_ Dan tries to sound nonchalant, as if Phil hadn’t rang him a few minutes ago having a panic attack down the phone and blubbering like a baby. _“Vidcon is in a few weeks, are you excited about that?”_

“U - uh, yeah?” Phil says, truthfully a bit confused because he doesn’t know why Dan wants to talk about their future travel plans right now. 

_“D’you reckon we’ll go to Disney with Cat again?”_ Dan asks. _“Or maybe Epcot?”_

“Either is fine with me,” Phil replies, and he still doesn’t understand why _now_ of all times Dan wants to talk about Vidcon and Disney, but regardless he’s thankful for the distraction and happy to be thinking of anything other than Leo at the moment - and then he realizes that’s exactly what Dan’s doing right now. And tears begin to well up in his eyes once again but it’s not because he’s scared or upset, but because he’s so overwhelmed with love and adoration for Dan. 

Dan continues to ramble on about Disney theme parks and California and Vidcon while Phil mostly listens, throwing in a word or two every now and again, but the longer he listens to Dan talk, the less panicky he feels. He focuses intensely on every word Dan says, hanging on every syllable and making sure that his thoughts are one hundred percent Dan, and it’s helping. He starts to breathe easily once again and the tension slowly begins to melt away from his body, but even more importantly he’s finally not thinking about the things he’s been trying to hard to forget. It’s as if the recesses of his mind that are still harboring thoughts of Leo are getting quieter and quieter and Phil almost can’t hear them. And Dan’s soothing voice is bringing him comfort and safety, masking all of those fearful thoughts and feelings. He listens to Dan talk, not so much hearing what he’s saying but just _listening_ , and he can feel the pain leaving his chest and it’s so much easier to breathe. 

After a while, he can hear the front door to their flat opening and Phil asks into his phone, “Are you home now?”

_“Yup,”_ Dan says, but despite that neither of them hang up their phones. _“Where are you?”_

“My room,” Phil says, then looks around as if he’s just realizing his surroundings. “Um, in my... closet.” he adds sheepishly, almost embarrassedly. He suspects Dan will make a ‘come out of the closet’ joke, but he doesn’t. And moments later Dan finds him hunched inside of his closet, back pressed against the wall of his closet, hiding amidst a pile of plaid button-ups and colorful t-shirts. 

“Hey,” Dan says softly. He smiles a little, but it doesn’t reach his eyes and Phil doesn’t blame him - he’s walked in on a pretty sad sight. But Dan doesn’t make him feel bad for resorting to hiding in his closet like a small child afraid of the Boogeyman, and he simply hangs up his phone and gets down to his knees before Phil, opening his arms, inviting him in for a hug. Phil disregards his phone completely and all but throws himself into Dan’s arms, breathing deeply and inhaling the familiar scent that his Dan Howell (which is expensive cologne and warmth), and he closes his eyes, pressing his face into the crook of his neck. Dan rubs his back and squeezes him tight, “Do you want to talk about it?” he asks. 

Phil shrugs. “I dunno.” he mumbles, and after a minute he speaks up again. “The - the neighbors were fighting - loudly. They were yelling at each other a lot, and I guess it scared me.” he feels almost foolish saying this, like a pathetic little child. “It’s dumb, I know -” 

“It’s not dumb,” Dan says immediately. “You have nothing to be ashamed of.” 

“I feel so stupid,” Phil mumbles. “How sad is it that I can’t handle a bit of yelling?” 

“Well if I had been abused for months, I suppose I’d be the same way,” Dan muses, bringing a hand up to toy with Phil’s hair, twisting the obsidian locks in his fingers. 

Phil makes a noise of discontent. “I just want to be _over_ it,” he says softly. “I don’t want to be afraid anymore.” 

Dan sighs a little, falling silent as he gets lost in his thoughts, his hand idly stroking Phil’s hair. “I’m no expert,” he finally says. “But I’m pretty sure that it just takes time. It’s not like flicking a switch and then you’re back to the way you were before you met him. Leo hurt you Phil, he was your first love and he really hurt you in more ways than one, and after everything that’s happened to you, it’s no wonder that you’re going to be a bit messed up over it. And maybe one day you’ll be over it or you may never be fully over it, but I know as time goes on it’ll be easier to cope and you’ll be able to move on from this.” he breaks their embrace to look at Phil properly, and he cups his face in one of his hands, thumbing away Phil’s tears. “Leo doesn’t own you,” he says. “Leo isn’t a part of your life anymore and he cannot control you or hurt you anymore. And what he did to you was horrible and terrible, but it doesn’t define you. You aren’t _Leo’s ex-boyfriend_ or _the guy who was in an abusive relationship_ \- you’re Phil Lester. You’re strong, and you’re brave, and you have no reason to feel stupid when you get scared or panic about things; like I told you, there’s nothing to be ashamed of.” 

Phil feels shaky, like a leaf trembling in the autumn wind, but Dan holds him firmly and Phil knows he won’t let him blow away. “Thanks,” is all he can say, because he has no idea what else to say. He knows Dan is right, he knows that once he calms down he’ll be able to believe him even if right now in a fit of distress he doesn’t see any truth to his words. But Dan’s right; Leo doesn’t dictate his life anymore, Leo isn’t a part of his life anymore, Leo can’t control him anymore, and most importantly Leo can’t hurt him anymore. And sometimes, like on nights like tonight, he forgets that, but then Dan brings him back to reality and reminds him that everything is going to be okay. “I love you,” he says a moment later. 

A light blush dusts Dan’s cheeks, but with a wide smile he says, “I love you too.” and he kisses Phil’s forehead. The two of them sit on the floor together, Phil resting comfortably in the safety of Dan’s arms, and he doesn’t feel so afraid anymore. 


End file.
